I almost died in a global pandemic, but not how you would think…
But, we’ll get to that in a minute.
Over the past few years, I’ve had some health issues and emotional wounds that the enemy has used as tools to attempt to silence my voice. Every time, I would walk out the journey, and choose the healing we have in Christ’s sacrifice. We ARE healed. (1 Pet. 2:24)
This March, I started choosing to learn about leading in vulnerability and embracing my weaknesses as opportunities for God’s glory. He began to break my heart in new ways. Like never before, my heart hurts & grieves for what breaks God’s heart. And, my passion for the harvest has been ignited.
But little did I know, this would pave the way for a personal health crisis, seeds of disappointment & discouragement, family issues, and complete confusion as to what the Lord is doing in my life.
This post is by no means to diminish that which is going on in society, but rather I want to remind you that we all are uniquely being affected by our current pandemics—the new novel virus & the centuries we’ve lived with the disease of racism prevalent in our society.
My mind wanders to the parable of the barren fig tree in Luke 13. The owner was ready to cut down the tree after years of waiting for fruit, but the gardener pleaded for one more chance to tear up the landscape, dig up things that have been buried alive that hinder growth, provide new fertilizer, and prod at the roots to stimulate change.
Is it too far fetched to put yourself in the place of the fig tree? Is it hard to see America in the midst of such a need for change?
I know I can relate to this story more than I would’ve thought I did 14 weeks ago. I wouldn’t say I was unfruitful, but there were obvious things that needed to be pruned that were hindering my ability to produce fruit (John 15) and other areas in which the Lord called me to complete repentance (Luke 13).
Maybe, in the midst of such a unique time in history, you can find yourself somewhere in the story, too.
Anyway, now to how I nearly died…
Well, long story short. After having tonsillitis for 10 weeks and a lymphoma scare, I almost died from a tonsillectomy. Who does this even happen to?! I had a complication that sent me to the ER overnight about a week after my first surgery. This ER sent me home and to the doctor the next day where I found out my biopsy was a negative (🙌🏻 our only good news of the day). But, by the time I could see this doctor, I had lost so much blood that I could not safely have the simple routine corrective surgery. Instead, I ended up in another ER in critical condition—nurses frantically running around to save my life but giddy that I could even still talk to them, mom having to leave the room because she couldn’t even stand to see how bad I was and the potential outcome if something didn’t change fast, all dignity and self-sufficiency stripped away, and complete dependence on these medical professionals.
Three blood transfusions, a corrective surgery, and an overnight hospital stay later… I came home to start this recovery process. I’ve almost completely recovered from the tonsillectomy but still have months left of blood loss recovery ahead of me.
However, almost dying from a tonsillectomy isn’t even the craziest part for me… I’ve been dumbfounded to think through the process and see how the Lord went to battle for me.
First of all, if you look up facts on the health state that I was in, I should have been overcome by anxiety through most of the process. Never once did I feel anxious. I laid in the ER with a peace over me that God wasn’t finished with me yet. Talk about a peace that surpasses understanding. He brought to my mind all those tears for the harvest and moments of my heart breaking for my generation and the generation to come. If anything, I was becoming more and more righteously angry that all that built up passion was being delayed.
Secondly, like I said before… 10 weeks of tonsillitis wasn’t the first time my voice was under attack. But, when this didn’t work… the enemy came for my whole life. At my one week check up with my ENT, I asked about the rarity of what happened to me. He said about 2-3% of adults have to get the corrective surgery, BUT as for the blood transfusions and almost dying… he said that he had never had this happen in all of his years of practice.
The enemy tried, but God.
Since this, life didn’t suddenly flip to good. These weeks of recovery have been the biggest battles against discouragement, confusion, and a lack of peace that I have ever had to fight and in every area of my life. These battles aren’t over either, but… my God hasn’t left my side, and I don’t fear the fight.
When I told my pastor the story, he said “I almost died once, too. It changes you. You don’t fear things anymore.”
So, back to the fig tree, in a lot of ways, things in me really have died as they’ve been dug up through this 14 week journey—fear isn’t welcome, anxiety doesn’t win, lies and self-deceptions are unearthed, emotional denial is leaving & apathy has to go.
Now, I would never pray this experience of actually being near death on someone, but it’s what God used to make me acutely aware of his hand on my life. Being stripped of your dignity, ability to hold things together for yourself, and self-sufficiency changes you.
I’m more ready for the harvest than ever. I’m waging war on the enemy’s place in my generation.
He doesn’t get to win when we walk in the revelation that Christ already won every battle for us, and we have whatever we ask in Jesus’ name. Sometimes we just have to be prodded at a bit to wake us up to such a reality.
What would it look like if we all humbled ourselves to be known, exposed, and completely vulnerable with the Lord to allow him to unearth things and provide the right fertilizer to produce growth and change in our lives?
These Psalms are my anchor coming through this season…
Ps. 65:11 fastens us to the hope and encouragement that no matter how hard this year has been and/or will continue to be, God is preparing a harvest. Will you be a part of it?
“You crown the year with a bountiful harvest;
even the hard pathways overflow with abundance.”
And, Ps. 126:5-6 encourages us that our sorrows of this season, when directed toward the right things, will be returned with joy and abundance.
“Those who sow with tears
will reap with songs of joy.
Those who go out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with them.”
May we accept the gardener’s care through this unique season for all of us, and in the pains of the pruning remember that joy is on the way.